“No one knows what happens behind closed doors,” is a saying that we all know too well. As some- one that has never been in a serious relationship, this can be a frustrating thing. So I took it upon myself to ask people in couples to anonymously answer some questions, so we can examine them a bit closer. Obviously, every relationship looks different. But I can’t help but wonder if there are any common themes or realities that can be shared? I will not be deeply analyzing each quote, as these are actual people in real, loving relationships, but I am curious if anything is overarching.
All relationships have their ups and downs, and we are told our whole lives that commitment requires effort. For (he/him, straight), he describes being in a relationship as “not as hard as everyone said it would be.” Another (he/ him, straight) person is surprised at “how easy it is; it’s so easy to love her, and it’s so easy for me to tell myself ‘I want to commit myself to her’ every day.” A (he/they, gay) person says that “somehow it feels like we have known each other for our whole lives.” Truthfully, those sentences alone have restored my faith in love, so thank you for that, and maybe it’s time for me to kill myself. I’m joking, of course, but before we get to some of the bad, I want to keep piling on the good.
A (she/her, queer) says that “if you’re in the right relationship, your counterpart will make you the best version of yourself.” Hon- estly, these people are poets -- a (straight) describes their partner as “the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” and they’re surprised because “I didn’t think I was this mushy.” In all seriousness, it is nice to know that young relationships can exist with so much good, especially in the generation of Tinder.
As far as sex goes, every couple has a different amount per week, whether they are happy with it or not. For (she/they, bi- sexual), “sex with my partner is good and plenty for me.” Others say that they want to have sex more regularly, but have personal stress that prevents a higher frequency. A (he/they, gay) says, “I am not an extremely sexual person, so our sexual relationship can be a bit tense at times.” And a (she/her, straight) says, “Every six months or so, we start having sex infrequently, and I ask him about it, and he says it’s because I’ve gained weight.” Almost all the people said that they were experimental in bed, and that most of them see each other at least 5 times a week. The range of sex is between once a month and 12 times a week.
Sex is a really interesting matter to discuss, but couples in general tend to be a bit shy about the topic out of respect, so it can be difficult to get a grasp on what’s “normal” in a healthy, sexual relationship.
Whereas ask any one of your single friends and I’m sure they’ll give you the whole rundown on everything. I think that’s part of the reason why I wanted to write this article; it’s important to discuss “taboo” subjects that tend to make people uncomfortable, because it can give peace of mind to someone else out there. And, it’s fun to look into relationships, both the love and challenges, because like a thumb print, each of them have their very own touch.
Physical confidence and emotional confidence are two different things. For (she/her, straight), it is a bit complicated: since being in a relationship, “my physical self-esteem has heightened, but my self-esteem as an individual in the sense of what I can and cannot do/ my sense of trusting my personal judgment has lessened.” For (she/ her, straight) being in a relationship eases her social life: “when I
go out and all the guys are talking to my friends and not me, it feels less embarrassing and doesn’t get
to me emotionally as much since I always have the excuse of ‘oh well I’m in a relationship anyways’ rather than ruminating on whether they thought I was fat or ugly.”
It can be really hard to have a sense of personal worth outside of the patriarchy and male gaze, for both men and women. Women are told that their entire being is decided upon whether or not men find them appealing, and men struggle to do anything without the approval of their fellow men.
When asked about the fear of being alone, many people responded that they had no fear. Some of them even rather enjoyed being single. However, for (she/her, straight) “the idea [of being alone] is daunting, and [an] implausible feeling,” and her answer was not the only one that was along those lines.
Being alone, particularly in a place like New York, can feel very isolating, especially if you don’t
have a roommate or you have a very demanding job that doesn’t allow you to see your friends every day. And we’re all different -- I personally thrive off the balance, needing both alone time and socializing time, but not everyone is like that. For (he/they, gay), “as someone who does cherish their alone time, it can be difficult to navigate setting that boundary, as that can cause someone to feel like they aren’t wanted or needed (which is wildly not the case).”
Everyone needs different levels, and being in a relationship does require compromise. If you’re like me, this isn’t thrilling news, but almost all the couples did cite that the most challenging part of being in a relationship is having to consider their partner as well as just themselves.
It seems to me that the overall theme, while possibly obvious, is that no one person is truly the same. I think you and I both know that I could have told you that without this research, but this was way more fun.
The common reality is that relationships should feel good, and if they don’t, it’s not worth it.
